Crystal Blue Sensations
by AmberAutopsy
Summary: Who ever said loving somebody isn't hard has obviously never loved Jesse Pinkman. In a world of hard drugs and fast money, through new love and heart break, she still can't let him go.
1. Chapter 1

**Not my best, but still pretty good for 2 in the morning. Other chapters will be longer and will be better written.**

**DATTEBAYO!**

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Panic filled me as I stared desperately out at the shadowy line of trees from the porch as the icy rain raged around me, biting at my nose and cheeks, freezing the damp hair that was hidden under my hood.

I remember the light behind me flickering on and off , sending the moths crazy, their buzzing hitting my head like a thousand pounds, growing louder and louder every minute I stood there waiting for him, until finally, it was too much.

Too much...

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"You," a voice said, cutting through my thoughts and the thick silence that had settled in the room. "why don`t you start?"

I looked up at the words, raising my gaze up from my hands and meeting the kind hazel eyes and the small reassuring smile of the pristinely dressed young man who sat at the head of the large, slightly lopsided circle made up of the hideously orange chairs they had asked us to sit in.

"Start?" I heard myself ask dumbly, unsure for some reason to what he was asking of me.

"Yes...perhaps you could start with your name?" he said, nodding his head gently as if nudging his softly spoken suggestion my way.

I paused.

"...alright, I`m Eryn-"

Barely had the words fell from my lips then I was suddenly interrupted, my ears insulted by the scattered unenthusiastic chatter of the others seated around me.

"Hello Eryn."

I heaved a sigh of bitter annoyance as my eyes shifted back to the young man dressed in the sweater vest, his hand now raised into the air in attempt to quiet the the room suddenly buzzing with the murmur of whispered conversations.

"Please, please," he said as it silenced. He turned his gaze back, sweeping his outstretched hand towards me. "Continue."

My hands unfolded in my lap, palms heavenward and I shrugged my bony shoulders.

"Continue what? I only have one name."

There was a soft snicker.

"Perhaps I should elaborate." he said, a small chuckle in his voice.

"Perhaps you should." I huffed as I slumped back in my seat, pity washing over me as I realized how rude I was being, but unable to bring myself to really care.

"What exactly has brought you here today?"

"I want to get clean."

He raised and oddly perfect eyebrow at me.

"You WANT to get clean...or you HAVE to get clean."

I narrowed my eyes at his assumption.

"Want."

'You dick.' I added in my head.

"Good!" his smile once again returned. I watched as he leaned over and pulled an already open legal pad out from under his chair, pulling a pen out from his shirt pocket. "so, Eryn...what exactly made you want to get clean?"

"I`m tired of feeling like shit every morning."

He tilted his head.

"Is that the real reason?

"It`s one of the reason." I answered back harshly. He sighed and looked down at his pad as he scribbled something down. "Do you honestly WANT to get clean, Eryn?"

"I don`t get up at six in the morning for shits and giggles."

"...I feel as if you`re being defensive."

"Okay, am I the ONLY person here?!" I looked around at the people around me, their heads ducked, eyes shifted away. "Aren`t you supposed to be helping EVERYBODY and not just focusing on me?!"

"Do you feel as if I`m focusing solely on you?"

I threw my hands up in the air and stood up, grabbing my bag off the back of my chair and slinging it over my shoulders.

"His "Group" is a joke." I stormed, jabbing a stained finger towards the young man. "So far you`ve said NOTHING helpful. All you`ve managed to do was annoy me and make me uncomfortable."

With that I turned my back and left, slamming the double doors behind me.

"Fuck this!" I hissed to myself as I threw my body against the front door, feeling the cool evening air wash up around me as I stepped outside. "Fuck the promise!" I said as I cast my eyes up towards the sky, spreading my hands out at my sides. "I can`t do it! Besides, you`re dead, Jesse! DEAD! " I felt the familiar pain flood my veins as my heart slowly sank. "...it`s not like you even care anymore..."

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	2. Chapter 2

My eyes scanned over the caller ID and a loud sigh was heaved from my lungs causing my mothers head to turn and look up from the cutting board.

"Whats wrong, darling?" she asked, her eyes locked on the phone in my hands. I shook my head and forced a smile.

"Nothing...it`s just somebody I know." I held up my finger and walked the small way into the living room, pressing the answer button.

"Hey." I said, my voice hushed so my mother couldn`t eavesdrop .

"Are you alright?!" I heard Mr. White`s voice say, his words choppy, static echoing over the line. "I`ve been calling you for the past week!"

"Yeah...I know...I`m sorry..."

For a moment it was silence.

Then he sighed.

"How are you doing?" the anger in his voice was gone.

"I`m okay..."

"Eryn."

I couldn`t help the small smile that spread across my face at his tone

So full of fatherly concern...the kind of worry I had never gotten from my own father.

But slowly, the smile faded into a scowl as my eyes drifted over to my mother, who was peeking around the corner, a white mixing bowl held against her stomach.

I sent her a quick smile before turning, presenting my back to her.

"I know you`re not okay." he said again, his voice seeming to boom in the silence around me, convincing me that my mother could hear his every word.

"Look, I really can`t talk right now, dude-"

"Then listen." he interrupted, cutting me off mid-sentence. "I know you are the FARTHEST from okay then you have ever been. Just drop all your badass bullshit! You are human! You HURT! You have feelings, despite how hard you try to convince people that you don`t!" here his voice softened. "You don`t have to pretend around me...Eryn, I cared about Jesse too-"

"DON`T-" my voice shot out, my free hand clenching into a fist at my side as my body began to throb, my muscles tightening and knotting inside me at the mention of his name. "Don`t say his name..."

"No, Eryn. You have to hear it...it`s good for you..."

I stared down at the ground under my feet, my eyes burning, blurring with the tears I refused to shed.

"Please don`t block him out completely..." he continued in a whisper. "You were all he had...it could crush him."

"Stop!" I snapped, losing any kind of control I had left. "Stop talking as if he`s he`s still here! He`s dead-"

I cut myself off and drew in a deep breath through my nosr as I shook my head slowly from side to side.

"Have you heard from Gus? I seriously doubt he has NOT heard about all this." I asked, hoping he`d let the subject drop and change.

"We just spoke actually." he answered, granting my unspoken pleas.

"Really? How did that happen? I thought it was established that you were 'never going to see him again.'" my voice was deep as I spoke, poking fun at the ever stoic Mike.

"Gus called me." Mr. White replied flatly. "He wanted to know if I was still willing to...continue our arrangment."

"Okay...and?"

"...I didn`t answer. That`s part of the reason I called."

I dropped silent.

"Eryn?"

"Why are you so afraid." I said in a soft voice, more to myself then to anybody else.

"What?"

"Why are you so afraid to cook alone?" I asked in a louder voice. "You always were begging Jesse to stay, you fought tooth and nail for him to work with you when you transfered to work with Gus...I just don`t get it."

"I need an assistant." Mr. White said, his words shot out defensivily.

I let out a long sigh.

"No. You have no use for an assistant." I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. "You are as brilliant a chemist as they come."

"I-"

"Shut up!" I said, letting my hand fall loudly to my side, slapping against my thigh. "Just take a compliament." as I said those words, Jesse`s voice started in my head, his words echoing in my ears.

He had always said the same thing to me...

"Reguardless." Mr. White said, pulling me back into reality. I cleared my throat as I collected my thoughts again from where they laid in a puddle on the ground.

"What was the other reason you called..." my voice was weak, sounding painfully defeated.

"I have sort of a...favor." he said, starting off slow. "Will you...help me?" he said after a long breath.

"Help you?"

"Be my new assistant."

"Me? No, no, no, no!" I said, my head throbbing. "I can`t!"

"Please, Eryn...you`re the only one I have now to depend on..."

"I can`t!" I gripped the phone tighter against my ear, hearing the cheap plastic creak. "I can`t do that again! Not after Jesse!"

"Please-"

"NO!"

With one swift movement I flung my arm, throwing the phone across the room, watching it crash loudly against the opposite wall.

"Honey...?"

"Not now mom..." I said in an empty voice, starting to make my way down the hall.

"Aren`t you hungry? Dinner will be ready in a few minutes-"

"No..." I said, reciting the words I had said so many times over the last couple of weeks. "I`m fine."

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I was greeted with the turning of heads and eyes full of annoyance as I pushed the heavy double doors open, a loud screech emanating through the room as they scratched against their rusty latches.

"You`ve come back." the hazel eyed young man said, a smile spread across his thin lips as he watched me as I made my way across the room towards the only empty chair that was tucked neatly between a tall, heavily built man with an angry face, smelling strongly of beer and a small girl who stared up at me fearfully with uncertain eyes. She looked as if she would have been very pretty if only her delicate heart shaped face hadn`t been covered in angry, oozing bruises from years of avid drug use.

"So I have." I said as I sat down on the disgusting chair, the metallic chains that hung from my pants clanking musically against the the short steel legs that were screwed crudely into the dusty floor.

"If you don`t mind my asking...what made you decide to return?"

"...a freind made me realize that I can`t block out the last couple years. I can`t just...FORGET everything that has happened." I felt my nose scrunch as the sickeningly sweet words settled distastfully on my tongue.

"Especially sense-" I started, continuing, but my words suddenly cut off, my tongue refusing to move, reluctant to share my most precious memories. "-sense the last few years have been the best I have ever had."

"The best?" the young man said. disbelievement relevant in his voice.

"Well..." I shrugged, looking over at him through swinted eyes. "Some select situations set aside of course."

"Of course." his words had a chuckle as he once again bent over, pulling that damned legal pad from under his chair, clicking his pen loudly. "Would you mind sharing?"

I thought for a moment, pain radiating through my numbing body.

"It hurts..." my voice was quite.

"It`s Okay Eryn...pain is good...it helps you stay clean..."

I shook my head.

"That`s not what I mean..."

"Then what do you mean?"

I looked up at him, biting the inside of my cheek as I dug my nails into my palms.

"Where do you want me to start?"

I watched him smile gently.

"Why not at the beggining?"

I nodded, letting my eyes fall down, watching my hands twist around eachother in my lap, my sun starved skin glowing eeriely against my dark pants.

"Well...you see...it all started with a boy..."

I felt a small smile split my lips, a warm feeling spreading through my body.

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	3. Chapter 3

I really can`t remember the first time I saw Jesse...It was probably somewhere between elementary and middle school. We never really had any classes together sense I was a few years behind him.

But, highschool...that was the time I started seeing him every day. Either during gym, seeing him sitting behind the track field smoking pot with the stoners, or in between classes, being loud in the hall with his obnoixous friend who everybody called badger.

Who, in my opinion fell from the stupid tree at a very young age.

And hit every damn branch going down.

When I first started seeing him I never really thought much of him. Just some whigger wanna be who strutted around like he was gods gift to woman, throwing every girl he passed a playful wink.

To be honest, his player facade wasn`t what irked me, it was that he never turned any of it towards me. Always passing me by as if I weren`t even there.

Never even giving me a second look.

So, to sum it up...I had really grown irritated with the 'great' Jesse Pinkman and having to overhear all about his...plentiful qualitys...from the girls in the bathroom.

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2 YEARS EARLIER

I was drug from my daze from a shadow stepping up in front of me, blocking out the light. I looked up, squinting from the bright sun that leaked around the edges of the figure as I scanned it`s face.

"-the stuff?" I heard his voice say mid- sentence as I yanked one of the headphones from my ears.

"Fresh batch." I answered, reaching one of my hands into the pocket of my hoodie, pulling out a small baggy, pulling my hand into a fist around it.

"Perfect!" the boy said, shoving the money at me. My eyes narrowed as I looked at the bills. "Cmon!" he said, glancing over my head at the bell. "The late bells gana ring soon!"

"Fresh batch, dude. Means more cash" I said, pulling back my hand. He growled and pulled off his back pack. I stood silently, watching as he riffled around it, tossing pieces of crumpled papers onto the pavement out of the way. "Here."

"Enjoy." I said as I took the sweaty wad of money from his hand, passing him the baggy in return. He grumbled and stalked off, leaving the discarded contents of his backpack at my feet. "Wierdo."

"What exactly do you think you`re doing, Ms. Grimes!"

I let out a deep breath and turned my head, my eyes landing one of my more...nosey teachers.

Mr. White.

"Smoking." I replied lamely as I brought the cigarette in my hand to my lips, turning my head around and watching the schools track team run around and around.

He gave me a look.

"You know that`s not what I am referring to, although that is also prohibatied." he nodded out towards where the boy had recently disappeared. "I`m talking about that little...exchange."

I gave him my best innocent look.

"What exchange?"

"Do not mock. This is serious!" he snapped.

"It`s only serious if you make it that way." I rolled my eyes. "You could always look at it like extra credit work." I cocked an eyebrow his way. He frowned.

"Funny."

"Oh cmon, dude. People use all the time around here!" I gestured towards the bleachers at a group of kids sitting in the shade. "You never get your ball sack in a bunch about that shit."

Mr. White`s retort was cut off by the scream of the bell over our heads.

We stared at eachother for a long while before he spoke.

"Get to chemistry, Eryn."

His voice furious.

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"YO!"

Two large hands came slamming down onto my desk, knocking the test tubes that sat on it down, spilling the liquid everywhere.

"What the fuck, dude!" I yelled, jumping to my feet as the simmering clear liquid dribbled off the edge of the table.

When I looked up I found myself face to face with none other then the great Jesse Pinkman.

"You rat!" he spat out, jabbing a finger at me.

My eyes narrowed as I felt the warmth of anger slowly start to bubble up in my stomach.

"Come again?!"

"You told Mr. White about the drugs!"

My teeth clenched.

"I think you forgot who supplies you with those drugs, 'yo'!"

"You making fun of me, bitch?!"

"Maybe I am? Too tweaked out to tell the difference?"

"You`d be able to tell the difference, wouldn`t you, you little bitch! concidering your dads a-"

Here is when my fist came into contact with his jaw with a sickening snap, cauaing all the kids who had been watching the little pissing match with wide eyes jump to their feet to stare down at where Jesse lay on the floor, the side of his face swelling up like a tennis ball.

I was taken by surprise when he was suddenly up, grabbing me by the throat and tossing me onto the nearest table.

"I`m getting a teacher!" I heard a girls voice yell followed by the pitter patter of running feet.

"NO!" A boy yelled back before adding to him friend with a laugh. "I wanna see who wins."

Without any notice, Jesse was gone, his weight ripped off me like a blanket being pulled away.

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I soon found myself seated outside the principals office a few chairs away from Jesse, watching the secretary punch the keys on her laptop much louder then really needed, making my head and face pound from each stroke.

"Mr. Pinkman...Ms. Grimes." he read off his clipboard before lowering it and turning his eyes up to us. "I can honestly say...I never throught I would have you two in here at the same time." he sighed and started walking into his office. "Come on in."

I shot Jesse a sour look as I shoved my way passed him, sitting in one of the chairs in front of the Mr. Garners large wooden desk.

It was strangly silent as we sat there, watching as he pulled his glasses off and throw them onto his desk, rubbing his closed eyes with his meaty fingers.

"Do I honestly even WANT to know what exactly went on in that classroom?" he said in a defeated voice.

"I don`t know. Do you?" Jesse said, his voice as flat as a ball left out on scorching day. My hands fell noisly down onto the thick arms of the chair I was seated in, my head swivling around.

"Seriously?!" I said. "Do you ALWAYS have such brilliant retorts?!"

"Do you ALWAYS have to be such a smartass?!"

"ANOTHER BRILLIANT ONE!" I yelled, jumping up to my feet, towering over him. "And how the hell would you know how I always am! You`ve barely even talked to me before!"

He rose from his chair and came close.

So close his chest was pressed against mine, his face inches from mine.  
And I won`t lie...

It was the most thrilling moment of my life at that time.

"Well, maybe if you gave me something to look at, I might talk to you, bitch." his voice was low, slow and spine tinglingly hot.

Reguardless, I got pissed.

"OKAY!" Mr. Garner said, bolting up from his chair, reaching out and stopping my fist mid air. "THAT`S ENOUGH! REALLY! YOU TWO SHOULD BE ASHAMED! You for sure Mr. Pinkman! Treating a freshman, let alone a FEMALE this way!"

"Did you see what she did to my face, yo!" he yelled, pointing a finger at his swelling jaw and lip. "That`s no chick!"

I shot a shit faced smirk his way.

"Oh dear lord." Mr. Garner said, sitting loudly back down in his chair, laying his balding head in his hands. " I do not know how you put up with these two Mr. White."

"I`ve never actually saw them talk before this."

My head snapped around, eyes wide, shocked by Mr. White`s sudden apperance.

"I hardly believed it when one of my students ran up to me in the hall and told me these two were going at it..." he shot Jesse a look through narrowed eyes, to which he replied with a dirty little smirk straight from his ego. "...you can understand how I had the totally WRONG idea of what was going on until I entered the classroom and saw with my own eyes." he shrugged and turned his gaze back to Mr. Garner. "Wrong sense of wording I suppose."

Mr. Garner nodded, understanding before looking down at his watch.

"I suppose we are done for today." he looked up at us, pointing a finger back and forth between us as we stood and gathered our bags. "This...whatever is going on here, will NOT work out in the real world." he nodded at us. "So I suggest you stop FUCKING AROUND and get SERIOUS! or else...god knows...you`ll both probably be selling crack off at the corner. And that is NO LIFE!"

I rolled my eyes and turned on my heel, waving a hand over my shoulder.

"Whatever, dude. Like you really care."

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	4. Chapter 4

I heard my name called as soon as I pulled open the front door and stepped a foot over the threshold.

"Eryn? Is that you?"

I rolled my eyes.

'Forever vigilant.'

"Yes mom." I yelled back. "Who else has keys to this part of the house." I added softly to myself.

One thing you should understand about mother is she is.a very scared little woman. Convinced beyond belief that there was, in fact, danger around every corner.

That fact alone made me stay up nights wondering just how my mother and father had ever had any kind of relationship considering that he basically represented everything she was afraid of.

As soon as she appeared around the corner there was a soft in take of air,her thin, pale hands coming to flutter around her aged neck, the only part of her that hadn't been mutilated by plastic surgery and ended looking swollen and deformed.

"Oh my god..." her voice was a whisper as her eyes looked away, looking as if she were talking to the wall over my shoulder rather then me. "I was hoping it was all a lie..."

I dropped my school bag from my shoulder, hearing to fall to the floor with a loud thump.

I could almost feel it, almost fucking TASTE it as I watched my mom strut over to the couch, patting the open space beside her before folding her hands gracefully in her lap in the way that always seemed to piss me off.

"What." I said as I flung myself into the space indecated. I watched in silence as my mother stated down into her lap, seemingly searching for her words.

"I received a call from the school today..."

"I'm sure you did."

"They said that you got in a fight again with a boy...a senior boy about..." her voice lowered as if it were all a big secret. "About drugs."

I scoffed, throwing my head like a horse. "It was not about drugs. Dude just got pissed off cuz I ratted out the special spot."

A fearful look spread across her pale face. "Are you in trouble, Eryn." I didn't answer fast enough apperantly because my mother took my slight pause as confirmation. "Oh my god you are!"

"No I am not!" I yelled, losing whatever patience I had left.

"No mom! I am not! I'm so ducking tired of you ALWAYS jumping to the worst possible conclustion."

She started shaking her head lost hysterically.

"I thought this was over, Eryn! I thought I left this behind with your father-"

"Do not talk about my father!" I yelled, jumping to my feet. "You are over reacting for NOTHING! The only reason there was a fight was because the great Jesse Pinkman forgot his fucking place!"

"...is that the name of the boy?"

My hands dropped loudly to my sides, my eyes narrowing. "What are you going to do if it is? Play to caring parent and call his mom? Call the cops?" My words were snapped, my her flinch slightly back as I leaned closer to her. "Either way mom I'm getting arrested, and know you won't let that happen. God forbid ANYTHING ruin this big illusion that you've constructed. Even your own daughter."

There was silence as my mother stared wide eyed up at me for a moment, her mouth opening and closing.

She actually looked at a loss for words.

"You actually think that...?"

I let out a short, bitter laugh.

"Think it?! You''ve proved it over and over! First you were too damn busy to come to my kindergarten play! But I was six, I got over it. Then, I was left sitting on my ass outside for four hours after school had ended because you were getting your lips done. AGAIN! Face it, you SUCK as a mother!"

"Eryn, I-"

"And you're too goddamn weak to take any kind of responsibility for ANYTHING! To fucking weak to even stand up for yourself when your husband says he wants a second wife ON YOUR HONEYMOON!"

I paused for a moment to take in my mother's dumbstruck expression before throwing my arms up in frustration.

"But, I can see this is all going in one ear and out the other so...just..." I let out a loud sigh as I turned and began my way down the hall to my room, slamming the door behind me.

"Fuck you.." I whispered thudding my forehead against the thick wood that made up my door. "Fuck you all."

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After the scene in chemistry class I never really saw Jesse again. The only class we had together was switched, our lunch periods seperated, even our lockers were moved further apart. And even when I went into town with my mother he was nowhere to be seen unlike before when he was everywhere. So like everything out of sight he soon faded from my mind, eventually becoming just a small blip in one of my memories.

Years past without a thought of the great Jesse Pinkman and soon I found myself in the middle of the winter after I finished high school, laying on my bed staring up at the ceiling, my music blaring in the corner, unsure of what I was supposed to do.

"MOM!" I yelled as I stumbled down the darkened hallway, out into the dinning room, brightly lit by the morning sun streaming in through the lace curtains that covered the tall windows. "MOM!" I yelled again, growling softly to myself when no reply came. "Fine. I'll just make my own breakfast."

I had just pulled out a bowl and had the open cereal box positioned about when their was a knock at the door. It was rather loud and made me jump, spilling the cereal all over the shiny granite counter tops.

"Son of a bitch?" I snapped, slamming the box down onto the counter and stomping over to the front door, pulling it open with a Hot gush of air. "What!"

I found myself face to face with my step father, a wide, strained, father like smile plastured on his greasy face.

"What do you want, Calvin." I sighed. He didn't even wait to be invited as he pushed his way past me into the house, brushing my shoulder lightly with his own, sending a disgusted ripple down my prickling spine.

"I'm looking for your mother." He glanced down the hall towards her bedroom. "Is she home?"

"Did you see her car in the driveway when you pulled up." My voice was dull as I rolled my eyes and turned back to head into the kitchen.

"Well...do you know where she is?"

"Off having an affair if she has any sense." I mumbled. As those words fell from my lips I could feel the air around us change, suddenly turning cold and sickening.

"You little bitch!"

My head was slammed into the cabinet nearest to me, the smell of copper filling my nose.

"Get the fuck off me, you fucking asshole!" I shoved back, knocking my head against his, bare fazing him as he shoved me harder against the counter, cramming the sharp edge into my stomach.

"You always have something to say, don't you, Eryn!" He snarled, folding his meaty hand over my jaw, tilting my head up so his chapped lips brushed my cheek. "I'm about done with your shit!"

Dark panic filled me as his free hand slide down my side, his fingers tapping against my ribs as if they were an instrument, his fingers digging into my thigh. "Maybe it's time I taught you a lesson."

It was at that moment I whirled around and punched him, my clenched hand hitting him right in the face, sending him reeling back a few feet. Blinking a few times he regained his wits and was starting back towards me when outside tires crunched against the driveway, making him stop cold and turn his beady eyes towards the window.

"I will be back later." His face was furious as he turned and ducked out the back door. I stare after him in silence for a moment before I felt myself frown, anger slowly building up inside me.

With one swift movement I reached behind me and grabbed the bowl, hurling it across the room, shattering against the door just as there was a quick, quiet knock.

So light that I almost didn' t hear it.

There have been times i've wondered what would have happened it I hadn't heard it or if I hadn't answered it. And I won`t lie... there have even been times that I wish I hadn't.

But I did, my bare feet thudding hollowly against the wood floor as I made way over, closing my hand around the shiny door knob, warmed by the heat that blasted throughout the house.

I paused then, my hand frozen, the knob half turned, the feeling running through me that after that moment,

In mere seconds,

That nothing was ever going to be the same.

I flung door open with one stroke, a familiar face spilling into my vision.

One that I honestly thought I'd never see again.

"Mr. White...?" I heard my voice say.


End file.
